— Unknown (via sleepychick)Posted 11 months ago
— Sarah Ockler, Bittersweet (via fractionally)Posted 11 months ago
I wonder why it’s been taking me a while to get over this total stranger with whom I have communicated in only less than two weeks, and have seen in person only once in my life. An even greater mystery is how I can’t get him off my mind despite his blatant lies, the way he led me to believe we really had something, all the while still attached to his girlfriend without telling me.
It was probably because he had things about him that I found endearing. He took care of an adorable beagle; he loved his grandmother so much, he wished he took her place in the hospital; he was able to juggle his personal struggles with law school; and was heartbroken by a girl who made him wait and caused him a lot of trouble during his review for the bar. I can think of many other things. He was a tough guy on the exterior, but seemingly soft and caring inside.
It was probably because he seemed afraid to get hurt. He wanted me to reassure him that I wasn’t preoccupied with anyone else, so that in case he got hooked to me, he knew he had no competition. I liked that he seemed to have a vulnerable side, and gave me the impression that he was a one-woman kind of guy.
It was also probably because I liked the person that I was when he was in my life. I found myself smiling more every day. I was more patient with my patients, and I didn’t mind coming home late from the hospital because he was there to comfort me, and he always found time to ask how I was despite having a busy schedule himself.
I liked that he was educated, that he was taller than I, that he laughed a lot. I really liked the way he laughed. Yes, we had disagreements, but they weren’t things we couldn’t overcome, I thought. I actually liked that we disagreed. But most of all, I liked the fact that, for the very first time in my life, a guy I liked made me feel liked in return.
I still think about these things, even when I remember how painful it was when I found out that he lied about not being attached. I was put to shame when he said we didn’t have anything, and we were just friends. When he said, “I have an idea about something between the two of us, but [it’s too early to say],” I wonder what he meant exactly. But now it can’t be any clearer that he did lead me on, and me, why me, I ask, of all people - when he knew I was naïve, and didn’t know how to act in any prospective romantic situation.
I’ve talked to quite a few friends about it, and, while definitely therapeutic, it never seemed enough. I actually feel more ashamed of the aftermath: how something supposedly minor, insignificant, and short-lived could affect me this much; and how I got angry with him, revealing my hopes and weaknesses, laying them out on the ground for him to step on. I called him pathetic for not picking his fights. But at this point, I probably am more pathetic for letting myself be affected this much. Honestly, I still catch myself wishing he’d message me again. Perhaps to apologize, to beg, to regret. I want to have the last laugh. But it probably can’t be any further from the truth, because right now I’m sure he’s having a blast, knowing someone took his bait and was hesistant to let go.
It was painful, but I’m going to learn a lot from this when my mind clears of its ongoing turmoil. A lot of it would sound like sour-graping, but at the same time, it’s a lesson every woman should learn: Never settle. Although a guy may seem to be a catch, it’s never enough to justify any self-deprecating act on the side of the woman. So he’s smart, funny, and sweet. But he’s also a liar, and a jerk. I’m not going to ignore that. A part of me wants him back, but knowing what he’s capable of reminds me that it’s not worth the fight. I am worth so much more than this, and I, as any other human being, deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and dignity.
As one friend said, “[Don’t count this as your first]. Look at it as practice.” That’s true. At least I’ve taken the first step. Next time around, I’ll know how to spot the red flags right away.
— Daniel Kitson (via ratmanprimate)
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